“I’m trying to help my daughter find friends. She is so very unhappy. All she does is go to work, come home and watch TV. She has no life at all. It is her 38th birthday today and even family haven’t bothered.
We all live together as we put a deposit on a property and she pays the mortgage. It leaves very little money for extras.
I feel so badly for her and don’t know how to help. Do you have any suggestions.”
–Elizabeth Smith
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Elizabeth,
First of all, I want to let you know that this is primarily a social skills blog. Although your daughter’s issue may be a lack of social skills, it is possible that her situation could be attributed to other things, such as her personality, mental health, or financial situation.
It’s great you want to help your daughter, but let’s look at the facts:
– she’s a full grown adult at 38 years old
– she’s unhappy
– she has no social life
The last two are probably related. You have to ask why a woman her age would not have girlfriends to hang out with and grab mimosas on her birthday. Could it be her personality? Is she a miserable person? Does she have a personality disorder? In general, women are much more sociable and better and making long-term relationships than men. So, if a grown woman has no long-term friends, that is a bad sign and you need to look deeper — there probably has been an issue since she was younger. Also, bear in mind this change needs to come from her. If she really does want a social life, she’ll make the effort to do so, like I did in this article. If she thinks people are stupid and would rather stay at home, then you have to start understanding how her mentality developed.
So, here are some questions to ask yourself about your daughter to help understand her lack of friends:
- If your daughter did not spend all her money on the mortgage payments, would she be able to be more social?
- Have you observed your daughter in social situations? How does she fare?
- How was your daughter in making friends as a young girl?
- How do you know that she is unhappy?
- Does your daughter have any odd behaviors or eccentricities that would make socializing difficult?
9 Comments
I also have an Adult daughter who lives at home and who has never had a relationship with either gender. She has no friends on any level, and rarely socializes with people. She interacts with other people once a week at a part time job, but other than that, it seems her mother and myself are her only friends ,I am concerned that she maybe suffering from some kind of disorder,which maybe a type of shyness.I also have a 30+ year old son who also lives at home and is in the exact same situation, except he doesn’t work, so rarely interacts with others.He does however have a few friends from school he sees occasionally. Should I be worried? There is a family history on my wife’s side of the family that involves Bipolar/schizophrenia, although I haven’t seen any manifestation in them so far.You cannot bring up this subject with them without a severe outcome, so we say nothing.Is there any online web sites that I can go to for help.
National Alliance for the Mentally Ill nami.org
You’re in a rough spot. I think most parents want their children to eventually develop their own lives and move out. When you see these types of behaviors in adults, I think it should be a concern. Is it they are very anxious and enjoy the comfort of home? Or is it that they literally do not care about socializing and developing emotional bonds? Without a psychologist to talk to them, it’s hard to get a diagnosis, and trying to throw out possible diagnoses is even more confusing. And without them opening up to seek help… I doubt they will be moved to change, even if there was a strong diagnosis. If you want to learn more, you can also read up on DSM (Diagnostic Statistic Manual).
Elizabeth Smith and Greg, I have a 38 year old daughter in almost the same situation however, she is happy most of the time, she does get lonely. She has been an outcast most of her life so for years she made up things in her mind to help her fit in. It did just the opposite. We are blessed in that she has a strong Faith but would still like someone to talk to or have a meal with other than her dad and I. So often these days, people are quick to “outcast” those that are not “normal”. My daughter is truly one of the sweetest, kindest, considerate, caring people but maybe too much so, if that’s a thing. I don’t know what the answer is but if we lived closer (we are close to San Antonio, Tx), maybe our kids could meet.
i try to help my daughter son has his own house and familyif i wasnt here daughter would be alone she wont talk to the doc i think shes depressed works parttime
i need advice its my fault shes no friends years ago her father and i seperated she still sees him when the kids growing up we moved a lot so no time to make friends i worry when shes on her own
Hi Estelle, this is a late reply, but, it’s tough — you can’t create a life for someone else, or if you do, it will take all your time and effort. It’s much easier to put someone on a path where they will be able to create their own life, happiness, and find fulfillment. Moving frequently probably doesn’t help with establishing connections, but my site and my general outlook is to try, develop skills to make it easier. Of course, the last ingredient is effort. Your daughter might have the skills, but maybe she’s too lazy, too complacent, or she is immersed in other activities, like video games. Even if you had a psychologist visit her, if she isn’t showing interest in changing her life, the psychologist, with all their knowledge, would be useless.
My advice: sit down, have a heart-to-heart, ask if she’s happy, ask what she wants from life, and ask her if she’s willing to put in the effort to do so. As a side example, I moved to a new city 2 years ago and was able to establish friendships (a few good, many shallow ones) and that was during COVID. But it takes effort. But generally, I enjoy it and have confidence over this. Ideally, your daughter would have the same skills and so she could move to another city and be able to create her own new social network if needed…. even in another country. Best wishes. -RJ
Hi,
I too am a mother of a 24 yo daughter that doesn’t have any friends. But her situation is different from those explained in previous posts. When my daughter was 7 she met a girl and they became best friends. They remained best friends until they started high school. In their sophomore year, my daughter’s friend started behaving in a manner that my daughter didn’t want anything to do with so they went their separate ways. The end of this friendship was devastating to my daughter. I figured my daughter would establish new friends when she started college. While she did meet people, no friendships developed. Well, she just started school again as she is going for her master’s and she was gung-ho on making new friends. She has really put herself out there; doing things that are outside of her comfort zone, talking more to strangers, trying to put social gatherings together, etc but she is still having a hard time. As her mother, it breaks my heart to see her try so hard to find someone she can get close to. I know she is a good person. She is kind, respectful, funny, and trustworthy. Sadly, the way this country is so politically polarized these days, that being a conservative, most people will hate you just because of your political views but in this case I don’t think that is a problem. She learned early on to keep her politics to herself but sometimes these things have a way of getting out so maybe that is the problem. But I really don’t know. She has 3 roommates and they are all friendly towards her but they don’t include her in social events that the 3 of them attend. She tells me she is really trying to do all the right things but she feels like she is “one of the nerdy kids that the cool kids don’t want to be seen with”. She is getting very depressed and I’m afraid she might end up walking away from getting her master’s because of her loneliness. She had to leave behind her boyfriend that she has been living with for two years and her beloved dog. She misses her old life and is all alone in a state she has never been to and doesn’t know anyone. So ad a mother who would like to see her get her education so that she can make a good life for herself, what can I do to help her? She is an only child so she doesn’t even have siblings to talk to. Any help would be appreciated.
I’m glad I caught this comment, since I rarely check this site. I can relate to this 100%. I think many people will struggle with finding friends and/or finding deep friendships once they are outside of school. You can literally google “how do I make friends as an adult” and find tons of results. My life experiences (as mentioned in this site) suggest that having the ability to make friends is one of the most important things to have in life + having reasonable expectations for mental well-being. I think the skill is obvious if you travel a lot like me, and I find it where I can befriend people quite easily and get people comfortable. That takes years of learning though and a lot of trial and error. On the bright side, I have a new bit of advice if your daughter is a nerdy kid: find where the other nerds congregate. I used to have so many nerdy hobbies and was devastated that many didn’t share my interests. And I eventually just grew out of them. But, thanks to the internet and how mainstream nerd culture is, there’s plenty of nerds out there and I think you should encourage your daughter to join these nerd conversation, clubs, or conventions. I don’t care if it’s Marvel, Game of Thrones, Dungeons and Dragons, board games, or video games — nerd culture is in the mainstream now. Last thing — if your daughter doesn’t have strong making friend skills, what she can do instead is to put herself out there at these places of interests and hopefully… some extroverts will come and chat her up.